Discursive Dread: Day 10

One hundredth of the way there! (10,343 / 1,000,000)

Today I’m going to analyze the five W’s, and rank them on usefulness and coolness. You know, like people do.

Who

First up: who. Who is alright; it asks a relevant question that could be useful in a variety of situations. If you want to know the identity of a certain entity, you ask “who dat?”, which is noticeably more abstract than “what dat?”. Bumping up the cool factor for who, is the fact that it is a very human question - it doesn’t really apply anywhere else. Who someone is - their identity - transcends their physical characteristics. Who I am has little to do with the biological or anatomical makeup of my body, but more to do with my thoughts, values, and aspirations. It’s a less concrete question than what, which makes it more interesting, but simultaneously less useful. Actually, I take back my previous statement, who is not a human question. I saw this documentary about orcas, and apparently they have identities too. Those things are SMART.

Who [Usefulness: 4 Coolness: 7]

What

What is boring. What is that? It’s a rock. Congratulations. What can be pretty useful, though. First of all, it’s fairly concrete, and so it is less contextual than some of the other W’s. If you’re walking along a hiking a trail, and you hear a rustling in the underbrush, you’d think “What’s that?”. A valid question, and also the same question that a rabbit might pose, if it could use so many words. Some people might give what undue credit, citing questions like “What makes gravity pull things down, instead of up?”. But really, a better question would be why that thing is happening, right? As I mentioned before, what is way less contextual than the others. What something is doesn’t necessarily change depending on the frame of reference. That is, unless you get really abstract with it. What am I? To many other humans I am a dorky guy with a blog. To a 9-dimensional space goddess, I might be an insignificant bit of matter that’s stuck in her time-eye. To my dog, I’m the deformed, hairless dog that she tolerates because I magically produce food for her everyday.

What [Usefulness: 9 Coolness: 1]

When

When is up near the top, both useful and cool. It has to to do with time, so the more you think about it, the more you slip into the abyss of existential dread… right? When did x event occur? Well, it definitely didn’t happen now, because you can only ask “when?” about things that happened already, or haven’t happened yet. When is now? Well, that now is gone now, and now there’s a new now. See, it doesn’t even make sense; and that’s just dipping a toe into the whole relativity thing. On smaller scales, when can be really useful to us creatures with a concept of time. It allows for coordination over great distances and all that.

When [Usefulness: 5 Coolness: 7]

Where

Where is kind of like what, but for places instead of things. It does have some bonus cool points, which push it over what for me. Said bonus points come from, you guessed it, relativity. Where is only a valid question in cases which have more than a single point of reference. Imagine yourself in a blank, featureless void (pulling from yesterdays writing). In this void, assuming you exist and you are aware, then you’re not nowhere, but you also aren’t really anywhere in particular. See what I’m talking about, cooler than what for sure. It’s also generally useful for many creatures. Where something is relative to a given entity’s position affects how useful/useless or dangerous/harmless that thing is, relative to that entity, for example.

Where [Usefulness: 6 Coolness: 5]

Why

I originally started writing this post entirely about why. Let’s be honest, why is the crème de la crème of the W’s. But I figured it would make more sense in the context of the other W’s, and also I realized it would be difficult (and probably boring) to write a thousand words about why. Although now that I’m thinking about it, there are entire books attempting to answer that very question. Anyway, there are so many interesting things that can be learned from asking “why?”. Why does an apple fall down instead of up? Boom, Newtonian physics. Why do we think? Why is there some things, but not other things? Why can’t I lick my elbow? See, all the interesting questions start with “why”. Where why falls short is in immediate, tangible usefulness. A rabbit may not be interested in why a bush is rustling, so much as it would be interested in what is causing the bush to rustle. Why is therefore lower on the list of priorities when it comes to physical reality.

Why is the most human question. It’s a question that reveals a need for answers, order, reasons, justifications, or causes. We want to know why we are here, why three lefts make a right, why pi is 3.14159…. Okay, I’ll shut up about pi. Most things that exist, do just that - exist. There isn’t a driving force behind it’s existence, nor a guiding hand that placed it there for an express purpose, and that’s okay. Some time that’s not now, I won’t exist. Actually, I already don’t exist in the distant past, and I’m almost certain I don’t exist in the distant future. Those things are already true in the now of then, but since my awareness is stuck slogging through time instant by instant, I exist for now.

Why [Usefulness: 2 Coolness: 10]

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Final Score

Who [Usefulness: 4 Coolness: 7]
What [Usefulness: 9 Coolness: 1]
When [Usefulness: 5 Coolness: 7]
Where [Usefulness: 6 Coolness: 5]
Why [Usefulness: 2 Coolness: 10]

This was my totally scientific analysis of the 5 W’s that nobody asked for. Hmm, I need something to lighten the mood, I can’t leave it on a note of existential angst like that. Come on brain, I need a self-deprecating joke, or a shitty pun. Maybe my specialty: a smattering of scarcely suitable statements, loosely linked by like letters.

Totally nailed it,
Michael